


Capsized, Staring on the Edge of Safe

by sartiebodyshots



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Post Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 01:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6779626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sartiebodyshots/pseuds/sartiebodyshots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A joke Sereda makes after ending the Blight leads to the first major fight between her and Zevran.  They aren't doing well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Capsized, Staring on the Edge of Safe

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Zevran exclaims.  It’s the first time he’s ever yelled at her.  That’s some kind of milestone, she supposes.  “You could have died!”

“I’m sorry, Zevran.  That’s why I didn’t tell you,” Sereda says, heart beating faster.  

Her heart is always beating too fast these days.  Since slaying the archdemon and ending the Blight, the enormity of the things that have happened to her have started to take their toll on her.  Sereda had pushed it all down deep inside of her because there were  _ things _ she needed to do, and as long as she could focus on what needed to be done, she could pretend that she was fine with everything.  Now that her things have been done, it’s all bubbling back to the surface at the most inopportune times.

She had brought Zevran to the roof of the castle for a romantic night away from everyone who wants a piece of her time.  Forgetting the key bit of information she had kept hidden from Zevran, Sereda had made a strained joke about how now she understands why killing an archdemon is supposed to always kill a Grey Warden.  He hadn’t found it funny, and had demanded an explanation.  Then he had found her joke even less funny than before.

“So I could be surprised by your death?  So I could innocently help escort you to the archdemon, unaware of what would result?” Zevran asks bitterly.

“We had a plan.  I convinced Alistair to have sex with Morrigan, there was magic involved, and the baby got the archdemon’s Taint when I killed it,” Sereda says.  “I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to die.”

She leans against the tower and slowly slides down.  Her legs don’t seem to want to support her anymore.  Understandable.

Zevran gives a strangled laugh, pacing in front of her.  “Pretty sure.  Pretty sure.  And if you had been wrong?”

“Then the archdemon’s soul would have been drawn into me, and I would have destroyed it,” Sereda says quietly.  “At the cost of my own soul.”

“You would be dead and your soul completely destroyed?” Zevran says.

Sereda shrugs a little.  “My soul is going to wander the world, rejected by the Stone anyway.  Destroyed is probably better, especially to kill the archdemon and the Blight before it truly began.”

“Dead, Sereda,” Zevran says.  

Zevran keeps glancing at the door down to the main part of the castle, and she wonders whether or not he’s going to run.  He had been terrified of falling in love with her and expressing his feelings for her, and maybe their first fight will snap something inside of him and he’ll flee.  This is certainly heavy material for a first fight.

Sereda swallows hard, a weight settling over her chest.  She feels like she’s suffocating.  She feels like she’s dying, which isn’t a comparison she makes lightly, given how often she almost dies.  If he leaves her right in this moment, when all of the death and tragedy and change is bearing down on her, she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to get up from this spot.  

“Zevran…” Sereda says, closing her eyes and resting her head against the tower.  “I had to be able to do my duty.  I had to be willing to die.  But if you had asked me to walk away, to abandon the army we gathered and Alistair and our friends, I might have done it.  I might have left Alistair and thousands of others to die, if you had asked me to.”

Zevran has stopped moving so Sereda opens her eyes to look at him.  He’s standing in front of her, breathing heavily and hands clenched like he wants to strangle something.  It’s a feeling that she understands.

“You thought I would ask that of you?” Zevran asks.

“I couldn’t risk it.  If you were the Grey Warden, I certainly would have been tempted,” Sereda says softly.  “Because there is part of me that would let devastation sweep the surface if it kept you safe.  To let untold thousands die if it meant you would be safe and loved and happy.”

It's not a part of herself that she's proud of, or even willing to admit to under most circumstances.  Sereda was raised to put duty and service above her own wants and desires.  But institutions and Houses and almost everyone and everything she’s ever known have all failed, betrayed, or misled her, except for the man before her.  That has to count for something, somewhere.

Zevran just nods and goes back to pacing.  He’s running his fingers through his hair, and Sereda wishes that he would touch her instead.  Fingers through her hair or squeezing her wrists or arms wrapped around her or something so his body is touching hers, anchoring her.  She wishes she hadn’t brought him up here, under the sky.

At least he’s still here.  She shouldn’t’ve doubted him, even for a second.

“There’s something else you should know, since, uh, hopefully we’re going to be together for a long, long time,” Sereda says.  “It has to do with the future, and I don’t want to keep anything from you again.  But it’s also not good, so if you want to wait to talk about it, I’d understand.”

“Tell me,” Zevran says and now he sounds so wrecked that she wants to touch him to soothe him, but she doesn’t know if her touch would be welcome right now.  

“I became a Grey Warden by drinking archdemon blood.  It was… not fun, and it gave me the Taint.  It changed me and corrupted me and made me wrong, deep inside,” Sereda says, trying to suppress a shudder.  It’s not something she likes to think about, in any context.  “It’s also slowly killing me.  I don’t know how long it’ll take- a decade or two, maybe more, possibly less- but I’ll die of it.”

“How will you die?” Zevran’s voice is a whisper.

“Zevran, are you sure you want to know?” Sereda asks.

“I need to,” Zevran says.

“Do you remember Hespith?  The woman we met in the Deep Roads?  It’ll be something like that.  The corruption takes over and I’ll start to hear the darkspawn’s song,” Sereda says heavily.  “I’ll slowly start to lose my grasp on reality, and go to the Deep Roads to fight darkspawn until they kill me.”

Zevran’s breathing is so ragged that she can hear it over the sound of his erratic pacing.  He stops and turns on his heel to face her when a small giggle worms its way out of her chest.  She tries to stifle it with her hands, but she can’t.

“Are you  _ laughing _ ?” Zevran demands.

“Sorry,” Sereda says.  Her voice is strained and choked out by her own giggles before it all falls out, in fits and gasps.  “I just… I was going to die in the Deep Roads a year ago, right?  And then the Grey Wardens  _ saved me _ and almost killed me twice over- which, they didn’t even tell me and Alistair that one of us had to die until the night before, which, I know they were mostly dead, but it’s still shit of them- and I’m still going to end up in the Deep Roads, fighting and being killed by darkspawn, but this time I’ll be insane.  It’s hilarious, I promise.”

So hilarious that there are tears sliding down her cheeks and she feels like she can’t breathe.  Her chest and lungs are burning for air and being alive has never been so difficult as right here in this moment.  She’s going to die fighting darkspawn alone in the dark, just like she was going to a year ago.  One last victory for Bhelen and one last indignity before she dies and becomes just another corpse.  

Zevran comes and tries to embrace her, but she pushes him off.  She doesn’t want to be shown love right now, but she’s glad that he stays close, crouched beside her and watching.

“I’m sorry,” Sereda says once she can breathe again.  She is so deeply exhausted.  “I’m sorry for not telling you about the archdemon.  For not telling you sooner that I’m going to die young.  For this.”

When she looks up at him, there are tears rolling down his face, too.  Zevran always looks so cheerful, but now he looks sad and scared and everything she never wanted him to feel.  She knows that he’s sad and scared more than he usually lets on, but it’s so rare that he actually shows it.  

“I am so afraid of losing you,” Zevran says.  

“At first, I didn’t think you would care that I was Tainted, and by the time I knew you would, I couldn’t think about it,” Sereda says.  “I’m so sorry.  So sorry about everything.”

Sereda reaches out to stroke Zevran’s face, brushing away his tears.  He leans into her touch gratefully, his cheek so warm and soft that it makes her feel warm, too.  

“Don’t apologize,” Zevran murmurs, pressing his forehead against hers. 

“It’s okay if you’re mad at me,” Sereda murmurs.  “If you want to yell or scream, that’s fine.”

Zevran presses kisses to her cheeks with gentle care that makes her feel steady for a fleeting second.  The world is overwhelming, but Zevran always feels right.

“I was a foolish man for so long, my patient Sereda.  I know that you were ready to hear me say how I felt about you long before I was ready to admit it, even to myself, and the things I said were not enough.  If the worst had happened, there would have been so much I had not told you,” Zevran says softly.  “The solution to this is not to yell at you, but to make sure that whenever our time together is over, nothing has been left unsaid.”

Sereda buries her face in the crook of his neck.  She needs to narrow her world down to just him.  All the death and the pain and the fear can be kept at bay for just a few minutes.  

“You are such a good man,” Sereda murmurs.  “You are so good for me, and you should never worry about leaving the big things unsaid.  I know.”

“Ah, but you enjoy the lovely sound of my voice, yes?” Zevran says, trying to find his usual cheerful tone.  He’s close, but not quite there.

“Nothing else compares,” Sereda says against his neck.

Zevran strokes her hair, and they’re both shaking against each other.  She wishes this could last forever.  The world is so manageable with his body pressed against hers.  

* * *

It’s a week later when she decides that they’ll find a way to end the Calling, once they have time.  There are the grand reasons to decide to do this- thousands of lives have been cut short by the Calling, it would make for a stronger Grey Warden order if they stopped dying young, and probably more reasons that she hasn’t remembered.  There are the smaller, more personal reasons to do this- her dearest friend Alistair, the men and women whose lives she’s going to cut short by recruiting them, and her own life.

And then, of course, there’s the least significant reason that is the most important reason to her: the desperate way that Zevran watches her now.  His golden eyes don’t look at her without at least a hint of worry.  He tries to hide it, but they can’t hide from each other. 

She understands, because she looks at him in the same way.  The Antivan Crows will come for him eventually and it terrifies her.  One of the biggest and most powerful assassin guilds in Thedas wants him dead, even if he has a temporary reprieve.  

Zevran will deal with the Antivan Crows, and she will help him; Sereda will deal with the Calling, and he will help her.  They haven’t talked about any of it yet, but she knows.  They’ll beat this because they don’t have any other choice.

“It’ll be okay,” Sereda murmurs against Zevran’s collarbone.  

She says this out of the blue, no explanation, but Zevran looks down at her and she can see the fire in his eyes.  The time after the Blight is shaping up to be much more difficult than the Blight itself, at least for her, but when she sees him looking at her with such determination, she knows it’ll all be worth it.

“I know,” Zevran says firmly.  

And that’s all she needs.


End file.
